Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Nightmares

To quote my friend, Sophia, Oh my heck!  Truly it was more Oh My Hell! but I'll try and keep it clean.  I awoke this morning at 4:22am.  Forced myself to go back to sleep (something I won't do again) and did.  When Robert's alarm finally and gratefully awoke me at 5:40 I was a blubbering mess.  Way too many things have happened in my life this past little while.  I can see each of their places within my nightmare, despite how weird the nightmare was.  Hours later now, this is what I remember altho I will attempt to leave out most of the emotions I was feeling..but you can insert them if you know how I behave.

The Nightmare is a 1781 oil painting by Anglo-Swiss artist Henry Fuseli (1741-1825).

I was seated in church, but not in my normal pew (you knew I've 'paid' for the right to sit in this one pew, don't you?).  Things were so weird.  It was Sunday School class and was being taught by Teri.  Oddly, the chapel was quite full and everyone seemed to be sitting around gossiping and enjoying each other.  Robert wasn't there.  Rick was telling me something and it had to do with feet and walking away.  Some woman in front of me had a ripped blouse or suit and was asking me to repair it because I knew how.  Then Marissa comes in with Niko, not on a leash.  She had something urgent to do or to tell me.  I don't remember what it was but I do know it was about our family.  Niko suddenly realized that all the moms had diaper bags under their seats and of course he went off to sniff the pheromones.  Suddenly I knew these were ALARM pheromones and I needed to get him out of the building fast, before he could more damage.

I got him out of the chapel and into the hall, passing a classroom and noticed a leash dangling from a hook.  Snagged it fast and got it sort of around Niko's head.  We headed out the usual door but once outside I knew it was not the parking lot.  It rather reminded me of the steps and water near the old Harris Fine Arts Building at BYU...not quite but it's the closest I could compare it to as i told Robert of my anguish.  The steps were wet and water was flowing rather rapidly (and yes the solar panels in my real home are still leaking, yesterday quite badly and I had listened to the drips as I fell asleep).  The steps were then slippery and they were open steps.  Suddenly Niko got lose of the leash ad disappeared through one of the steps.

I am screaming for help.  I think it was one of the YM in the ward who alerted me to where Niko was and helped me get him to a platform.  I could see that Niko was badly hurt.  Hurt as to leading to death.  I knew Niko was going to die.  I could not stand it.  I could not bear to look at him.  His eyes were frantic, he was begging me to help him, he didn't want to leave me, I didn't want him to leave me.  I remember thinking for a minute, if he dies, I can get another puppy.  NO! I rebuked myself. Niko is going to be my last. Then I feared that without Niko (In real life my assignment right now is to care for them).  But I didn't want Niko to die.  It was horrible.  So many things lost.  So much pain. So many tears.  And so many things throughout the dream were broken.  Things in the church.  People.  Niko.  Clothes.

And then the alarm.  Thankfully, then the alarm.

I could barely breathe by this time.  I awoke distraught because as I awakened I could put into place all the things that were broken or had died, were dying.  I had so many options and I was trying to get people to listen to me and everyone was just within their own heads.

But in reality, there are so many things dying today.  Jordan has posted recently about Rwanda and that's a horribly dying time to honor, remember.  Marriages have been at odds and will die which is the worst possible thing for me to even grasp.  Divorce is so easy and is made to look even easier but it's not.  My sweet godparents who are getting closer to this dying stage.  I visited Patsy Monday and altho she looked beautiful, I saw death on her face.  Johnny came in and he looked stronger but as he reached for her hand, kissed it saying nothing but gazing at her, Patsy replied quietly, "I know, I know."  This was a marriage that wasn't the best.  It was actually horrible for a few years.  But they battled it out and are at peace with the past (having forgiven it but she's not forgotten it) and are comfortable with the present.

Why is it that we mortals get so busy and get so hurt and so steamed at things/events/people that we refuse to get the help we need.  I can understand not forgiving when you've been hurt time and time again.  Been there/Done that.  Now I guess I leap to forgive even before I need to.  I just put people in a place that says I am no better.  I may not have her problem but I have my own.

And dogs? What's with Niko being such a huge thing in my dream?  And the steps at the HFAC?  Why would that come to mind?  I look for understanding in the simple objects of the dream.  Some I can find fast.  Others...well, not so much.

I tell you, next time I awake at 4:22am, I am going to get right out of bed and do something.  Now I think I'll go wash the kitchen floor, something Robert always did but now that he's recovering from his hernia surgery he won't be doing that.  So I guess after the past few years, mopping the floor is once again distaff.




2 comments:

Dawn Barrett said...

maybe your dreams are to relieve stress... Let go and let God, is what you said to me back in college.

Lin Floyd said...

write it down-maybe you have a best seller here?

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