Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I know I know

I know! I just haven't had the time to get here and fill in our Thanksgiving weekend which was delicious in so many ways. But right now, I need to write about something else and then will work on pix before I get too far away from Turkey Day and feel the need to start my Christmas blogging.

This morning, I fell back to sleep after Robert left for work...Not exactly odd but for when I napped, it was. I had this dream that startled me awake. I dreamt that I came out of 809 to go someplace with Robert and there was all this stuff all over the backyard. Somehow I thought it was doggie doo...but it turned out to be pieces of Hershey chocolate bars. Some part of the dream had me in 3830 and was commenting about moving up here but in reality dream-wise, I was at 809. Robert is ahead of me the whole time and either he couldn't hear me or I couldn't speak to him. I thought he was ignoring me but I could see him looking at me, mouth moving but no words. There were 4 different shoes in the yard, 4 boys' shoes, all in various sizes, and the remains of an experiment which had wires attached to some battery thing. I was getting frustrated because I remembered who belonged to the shoes but could not remember the family's name.

Then I awoke....and worried about how Robert was. I called him but could only leave him a message, to ask if he was OK. He called me back and he was fine. Then he tells me that next week he has to be on the afternoon shift at work (2:30pm to 11pm). At first I got all snarly...after all these years, something like 26, he's never had to work turns. And here he was, at the holiday season, working turns. IT'S NOT FAIR I WANTED TO SCREAM...but then I remembered:

Come What May and Love It!

And I remembered that Cara has had to deal with holidays and birthdays and special events with 5 kids and often without Jacob her whole married life. And then I thought, at least he has a job when so many do not. At least Robert's not being laid off without pay! And then I happily thought...we can see a movie every day is we wanted to. An 11am movie! With popcorn. We will be fine. We can spend a glorious week enjoying the morning when we are awake and the sun is out. And so altho I don't have a clue what that dream meant, at least I could Love what's come our way.....will report on that next week.

But what else I thought about during these brief moments of panic, was lying on the bed, getting morose and realizing this is how people who are close to death feel. Will my kids remember me? Will they carry on my traditions? Did I do enough for them? Did we have enough good times together so they will tell stories, laugh at me, let the next generation know that I was a good mom/fun mom even tho I hated the out of doors, never took them camping, never had enough money for stops along the unending trips so that we drove straight through? Would they remember fun moments? And I reflected back on my hospice training...how we would encourage the family of the patient to say their goodbye, to assume their loved one that they would be fine, that they would never forget the love, the times, etc. And again I realize that with each goodbye, we need to say these things now because we NEVER know when the end for any of us will come. So....remember that!

3 comments:

Karen Ahlstrom said...

Susan,

Not only will your own children remember and honor you, so many others whose lives you've touched will do so too. You truly are a good example of what it means to be a friend.

-Karen

Dawn Mercedes said...

ah man, you are mororse. Stop posting those sort of posts!

marissa said...

so true, ma. i was just talking to a student yesterday about how his date went last week...you know, normal stuff...and today his sister died. life can end so fast! don't worry about never letting us camp, i'll compensate for that by making my future children live in a tree. i'm not joking...

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